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In the empty cavity of the Driftwood, Ferro sat behind the counter. Alone in two tenses, in both immediate and constant. Coal was stuck out of town on what was supposed to be a brief visit. But the sudden rolling of a surprise smog storm left the roads treacherous and the Driftwood stranded with empty rooms.
Ferro rocked the container of hearth honey between their fingers as they ruminated on the second facet of being alone. Friends, family, lovers both soulmates and sex partners had all left Ferro’s life one by one in a sickeningly long downward spiral. Estranged by hatred, revulsion, death, and circumstance. Perhaps their only similarity was they would not be seen with Ferro anymore.
“One drop is best, two drops if you really need it, three is a bad time. Anymore than that and you’re in danger of overdose…” Ferro recited the use instruction for the drugs that became their only company in this time. They had already taken two drops when they woke up this morning. One barely even tickled them anymore. But at this moment their need was a little greater than normal…
“How long has it been…” They glanced out the window, only to behold the blackened sky and the pattering acidic rain of the smog storm. The sky certainly wasn’t a good indicator of time at the moment.
Ferro lifted the lid of their drug, a golden strand of tantalizing honey dripped slowly. The first time the liquid hit their tongue, they felt love like it was bursting limb to limb. A fireworks show within their own body. But now. Now it just seemed to ease their loneliness, making the unforgiving moment feel at least a little more bearable.
While with Cyan, Ferro used to take two drops of Honey in the morning, and two more in the evening. Even to Ferro’s imperfect and drug-addled mind, there was no interpretation of time that would put Ferro even close to their evening dose. If they had to guess, only a couple hours had passed since their first. However as they watched the amber waves of liquid temptation drip slowly down, a new thought entered their head.
“I guess that warning is probably just for beginners… I mean at this point two drops doesn’t even feel like one used too…” Ferro lifted the honey to their mouth and chuckled. “Two if you really need it, Three if you really really need it.” And they did.
The effect of the drop was immediate. The warming sensation was so intense it felt numbing, Ferro went slack in their chair. Letting themselves be taken, perhaps drifting out of their body and somewhere else.
“So this is how you’re gonna do it, huh…”
Ferro snapped back into attention sharpley at the sound of another voice. They lifted their weary eyes to see… Sterling. It felt like it had been ages since Sterling kicked Ferro out. Since they had left behind what was probably the only healthy relationship they ever had.
“I always thought you would drown yourself.” Sterling said with jarringly uncharacteristic coldness.
Ferro let out a baffled chuckle, as if the absurdity of the situation was a pot boiling over. “You know I was always too much of a coward to do that. Too scary, too painful…” Ferro eyes Sterling up and down, “I should say something about how happy I am to see you, Sterling. Maybe I should try to beg for forgiveness again. At the very least it’d make sense to ask you how you got here, but…” Ferro turns around to look at the bar mirror behind them, nothing but the beleaguered figure of a lone hopeless addict staring back at them.
“I know you aren’t real…”
Sterling looked almost as disappointed at the statement as Ferro was.
“You know Sterling, I thought I had found a good way to go. Hand in hand with forbidden love. Doesn’t that sound nice?” Ferro opens the jar again, watching the honey drip once again. “Least I still have an easy way.”
Sterling lets out a long sigh, trying to come up with the right words “Did you think about it a lot, about the way you wanted to die?”
“Lots of people do, only they usually imagine themselves old and surrounded by loved ones.” Ferro lifts the dropper out of the honey and towards their mouth, “Cept I don’t have any loved ones anymore and can’t bear to grow any older.”
“Isn’t there anything you want to do before you die?” Sterlings looked deep into Ferro’s eyes, “Anything at all”
Two Drops.
It was time for Ferro’s evening dose, no matter what a clock may say. These two drops popped just like Ferro remembered on their first time. Blooming roots of affection. Fireworks of passion and love. And a head filling with warm numbing water, ready to wipe everything clean.
Sterling hung their head down, disappointed.
“What did you expect, it’s me…” Ferro muttered, “It wasn’t gonna turn out different, why would you even bother coming…”
Sterling shook his head, “You brought me here Ferro, I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe you wanted someone around to witness you do this. Or maybe just one last time. You just wanted to experience what it’s like to have someone around who loves you enough to tell you no.”
Ferro couldn’t hold up their defenses anymore at that. Tears spring forward as if a dam had burst, with desperate shaky paws trying to hold them back and put them away. This couldn’t even go right. They wanted it to be good. To kiss Cyan goodnight one last time before they both faded away. When that was taken from them they hoped to at least have it be dignified, A final rebellious act where they could go out easily despite the world. But now…
Now they would die as they lived, drowning in their own sorrow.
Sterling was right. They wanted to love. To have and be had. They wanted it to be simple, easy, without all the checkmarks, requirements and restrictions they had come to fear. They wanted it to finally make sense in the way it never has. To finally have it work like it should, maybe not even forever, just once. Enough to prove it isn’t something they are incapable of. That’s what they wanted to see before they went.
Ferro spat out the honey.
They opened their tear soaked eyes to find they had fallen on the floor. The warmth blooming from their insides began to fade as their extremities became cold and lost their colour. Fireworks popped searing pain instead of passion.
Tears were dripping into pools of salt water below Ferro's face, as if they would fill the room. In a few moments they notice how shockingly literal that statement was, realizing they were sitting in ankle deep water. Surely they couldn’t be crying that much. They looked up to find the walls oozing liquid between the wooden boards like it was a ship taking on water. Ferro crawled their way to a wall, pressing their paws against the boards. Muffled through the wood they could hear the distant bellow of a Whale. They pressed harder and like a ship against the shoals, the wood split, dumping Ferro into the darkness of a vast sea.
When their eyes ceased to blur from the movement they finally opened to meet the inky blackness of the sea. They saw a myriad of lights leading a procession into the unknown. The Driftwood, or its remains, were nowhere to be found. Only an unfathomable depth of water in every direction.
It looked like they would drown after all. The whale bellowed again.
This is what you wanted… Right?
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- Infinitydoom
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- Wednesday 27 December 2023
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